


Tell-Tale Note

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: Depressing, Depression, F/F, Historical References, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Love Does Not Cure Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 10:37:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5964232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Everything bad in the world is your fault.<i> <i></i></i></i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell-Tale Note

_Everything bad in the world is your fault. _ ____

Riley is lying awake at night, trying to forget about what has happened. But there's a voice in her head keeping her up, the one she calls her conscience. It keeps her up, and at first, she fights back.

_That's not true! I've done plenty of good for the world. _ ____

_You lie to people. You break your best friend's heart after she waits a year, hiding her feelings because she respects you too much. You let Farkle tell people you like Lucas even though you don't. You're a horrible person. _ ____

_I'm not a horrible person! Everyone screws up sometimes... And Maya doesn't seem mad at me. _ ____

_She doesn't seem mad, but inside she's fuming. You've ruined everything, and soon she'll go on to fix her apartment and help people, and you'll just go on lying and being useless. _ ____

Riley starts listening, though she knows these thoughts are illogical. She's felt less and less sure of herself ever since the Riley-town incident, and for some reason now all her doubts are crashing in on her. 

_You're weird and you deserve to have someone's foot on your face. _ ____

_So what can I do to make the world a better place? _ __Riley asks the Tot, thinking it'll give her an optimistic solution like it always has.__

_Kill yourself. The world would be a better place without you in it. _ ____

Riley stops thinking at this point, giving into sleep's pull. 

  


The thoughts don't dissipate like she thought they would. She looks at Maya and hears _she'll never love you once she knows how weird you are don't you know liking girls is weird she likes Lucas she won't miss you go die _ __on repeat in her head. She is surprised that Maya doesn't notice, doesn't ask her if something's wrong, because her smile's pasted on and her heart is beating so fast and she feels like someone should notice.__

She makes small talk like usual with Maya, and when she sees Farkle she asks him if he talked to his dad, but her mind is going back to a conversation they had, when he asked if she was okay and she said she'll need time. Riley wonders when time will be up because she wants to be happy again but being with her friends isn't working and faking it isn't working.

Riley realizes she hasn't been happy in a long time. The closest she has gotten to happiness recently is when she was playing that zombie game and wrote that song for Lucas. She can't think about Lucas without feeling guilty. She finally understands the phrase "wants to die". 

It takes a week before she breaks. The voice in her head told her telling people would make her seem weak and crazy, but Riley doesn't care anymore. She types a note so nobody will recognize her handwriting. She is going to give it to her father, anonymously. 

_**Mr. Matthews, ** **** _  
_**I've been feeling lost lately, like nothing really matters, and I don't know why or how to stop feeling this way. Nothing seems to be helping. I've started thinking about suicide. What should I do? ** ****__****__****_

Riley puts the note on her dad's desk before lunch, knowing her father always goes to lunch early to talk to the cafeteria ladies. She had his class directly after lunch, and feels like this way her dad won't know the note is hers. Maya is with her when she drops the note off, and Maya doesn't ask what it is, which would surprise Riley but she honestly doesn't expect Maya to care about what she does at this point. She figures she'll either get help or kill herself, but she does want to do one thing before making a decision either way.

"Maya, you know I love you, right?" Riley says, holding her hand as they walk into the cafeteria. 

Maya laughs. "Of course I know, pumpkin. You tell me almost all the time. I love you too." 

Riley smiles, genuinely. Of course Maya loves her. Everything is great until the Tell-Tale Tot shows up. _You know she's lying. She has to say she loves you, because otherwise you'll be hurt. She thinks you're fragile and naive, just like everyone else. Remember Superklutz? She doesn't think you can handle teasing. _ __Riley sighs. She really can't handle teasing, she remembers. What if she's right, and Maya's just trying to protect her?__

Maya notices Riley spacing out but not the cause. "Riles?" 

Lunch goes by in a blur. Riley is unusually quiet. Then class begins. 

Mr. Matthews has DEPRESSION written on the board in all caps. "Can somebody tell me what this is?" 

Lucas gets called on. "Depression. It's like being sad but for a longer duration of time, right?" 

Mr. Matthews corrects him. "You're close, but that's not quite what it means. Anyone else got a guess? Farkle?" 

"Depression. A mental illness with symptoms including lack of appetite, disruption of sleep pattern, irritability, the feeling of moving very slowly, restlessness, feelings of being worthless, prolonged sadness, and in severe cases self-harm or suicide." 

Zay, unable to stand the stunned silence of the class after Farkle listed the symptoms, quipped, "Well, I know why they call it depression. It's because it's depressing." 

Mr. Matthews chooses here to pick up on. "Depressing it is, Zay, especially to the people who have it. If someone doesn't get help, they can be left feeling very alone, which is not good especially for teenagers, because teenagers are more prone to impulsive behaviors in general. And teenage suicide is a real problem." 

Riley has been silent the entire class. It is Yindra, a girl who rarely speaks, that asks what most of the class wishes to know. "Um, this is important and all, but what does it have to do with history?" 

Mr. Matthews looks more serious than he has ever been. "History is the study of life. People have suffered throughout all of time. Abraham Lincoln suffered from depression. And if any of you are suffering, I want you all to know you can come to me." Mr. Matthews seems to be looking straight at Maya when he said that, though Maya Is slightly off-put by the assumption she might be depressed. Riley feels guiltier than ever for not simply asking for help, but she just keeps on staring straight at her desk, avoiding eye contact. Maya notices this. 

Class goes on, Mr. Matthews using the Abraham Lincoln anecdote to jump straight into the olden time treatment of the mentally ill. He tells horror stories of asylums where patients could be chained to walls and denied food, a fate worse than most prisons. He also describes how depression used to be known as melancholia. Riley finds herself terrified at the idea of going to a mental asylum, and spends most of class trying to decide which way of death would be more effective, hanging or pills. By the time class ends, she's drawn four different sketches of nooses in her notebook instead of notes. Thankfully, there is no homework that day. 

"Riles?" 

Riley looks up, and by nature responds "Yes, peaches?" 

"Have you ever thought of killing yourself?" Maya is terrified of the idea of one of her friends dying, but Riley's lack of any sort of response to the lesson left her scared. 

Riley is stuck. On one hand, she is a horrible liar and Maya is her best friend. On the other hand, Maya might want to know what caused these thoughts and Riley does not want to talk about it. So Riley decides to do another thing she wanted to do before she dies, adding another thing to cross off her bucket list. 

"Maya, I think I'm in love with you." 

"Riley, that's not an answer." 

"Can we just talk about what I said first?" 

"Riley, you know I love you, we've been over this." 

"But I meant love as in, you know, the dating kind." 

"Oh." Maya is now happier than she's ever been. She never actually expected Riley to like her, especially not after Farkle told everyone she like Lucas. "Yes! Yes, I'll date you." Maya adds on, noticing Riley's wide-eyed gaze still looking for an answer. 

"Oh, okay." Riley should be happy about this, why isn't Riley happy about this? She's excited, but the background noise of her head is still telling her she's a worthless freak. This isn't how Riley Matthews is supposed to react to finally asking out the most important person in her life. Why does she still want to die? 

"Maya, I think I'm going to need help. I think I might be depressed." 

  


When Riley confides her feelings to her parents, they all cry. Riley promises never to hide anything that big from them. Cory shares some stories from his past, admitting he once went through a rough patch as well, and Riley is assured that even if Riley does have depression she will not be any less loved. 

Riley still feels numb when she goes to see the guidance counselor for the first time. After her mom quit lawyering to work at the cafe, the Matthews' no longer had the kind of money to get Riley a therapist. Riley feels guilty thinking about this, but she is ready to accept help. Maya says that once Riley feels more like herself again they can start dating. Riley is excited by the prospect, but the future still seems bleak. The Tell-Tale Tot has quieted some, and Riley hope Ms. Ober can help her want to live again. Riley wants to want to live again, which she hopes is a good sign.


End file.
